theatrefiend

You roll out of bed...clock says 5:55
fuck you are going to be ten minutes late...
you get in your car...
you laugh at the dent...and the missing back seat...
your shitty little stereo tries it hardest to produce some quality of sound...
you get to work...a shitty little kitchen...
a shitty little drive in...
where you will spend the next 9 shitty hours...
for very shitty pay...
you stay thirty minutes past your shift...
you rush to the car...
you rush home...
time to change for the next shitty 5 hours...
at the next shitty restaurant...
for some more shitty pay...
I come home...only to get in a fight about the same old shit with my mom...
up to bed...only to get 4 hours of sleep....
and then up again for the same old shit...
19 years old...living pay check to pay check...
struggling to make ends meat while shit head teenagers drive BMW's before they even have a liscence...
struggling to make ends meat to make it so I can stay at the school of my dreams....
so...yeah I'll spend a couple of nights a week crying myself to sleep...
I'll have to put ice on the blisters building around my ankles...
I'll keep realizing that my life is bound by the green monster...
so...yeah...I'll bitch and complain...and nothing will change...
but its all in the Hustle and Bustle of a 9 to 5 ho...

Yesterday I started Sonic...not the best job in the world...but I work with fun people...and its money which I need lots of...

Today I went for my first consultation with Dr. Gardenson...an interesting man to the say the least...but intriguing none the less...we spent some time talking about my medical history...which my gay ass family physcian didnt send to him...sad face...and it came to the big C word (not cancer)...18 years old and next week I will have my first colonoscopy...but on that day I will have all the answers I could ever dream of and three years of not knowing will come to an end...

A fond thought to share...is the car ride there...I looked out the window of my moms ridiculously expensive car and I just took in everything...every plant, tree, bug, dead animal, live animal....just anything....it wasnt like one of those, "Oh my god its time to die kind of things so I need to think about my life." It was more like, "I never take time to breathe things in." I sat there in the car, and I just though about shit...mostly about all the stupid shit I have done...about all those times I over reacted over something fucking retarded...about the friends I have lost...the friends I have gained...the life I have lived...

My life isnt hard...never has been...im pretty sure it never will be...I got nothing on kids who have to grow up with one parent...I got nothing on kids who have to live on the streets rather than go to a $28,000 a year private college...I got nothing on those people...I only make my life hard because I chose too...not because it is...and its interesting to realize that about yourself...

Today I also noticed something profoundly moving...just how much my mother cares but can never show it...in preparation for the Dr. I took a shower and when I got out...I heard her downstairs on the phone talking to her mom...and she told her mom how proud she was of how I was handling this...and that she was scared...but my mom never takes the time to show these things...and when I came downstairs she put on her sunglasses...probably to cover puffy eyes...and she went out back and burried her nose in some work...my mom is probably the strongest person I have ever met...she has two kids 14 years apart, a lazy ass husband, a job that requires 22 hours out of 24 hour day...but as strong as she is, she can never be weak to show emotions...its too much of a personal strain and takes up too much time in her hectic schedule...today I realized that my mom covers up pain, and fear, and sadness, with her jobs...and then I realized that I never want to be like that...because the one thing I have probably craved my whole life is the ability to just lay in my mom's lap, and have her rub my back or my hair...and I know when I have my kids, that even till they are fucking like 98 years old and I am just crapping my pants and cant remember a damn thing...I want them to be able to come lay down with me or hop on my lap...and just be content with life...

I dont hate my mom...i never can...and never will...our love is unconditional and can never be broken...I dont even resent her...and I kindof thank god that she is the stronger one because I know she will be pushing me through this...and helping me get through things...and I need that...

tonight i looked at the moon...and I thought...so this is life...its time to accept that...

Hey everyone....long time no see...this much is true...

Life kinda has me by the balls right now...and its clenching pretty god damn hard... So if you havent heard...the Berkshire Theatre Festival is a no go for me...I kind of knew that it was too good to be true...I busted my ass for a year, for a job that alot of freshman can't get...and right when I am about to pack the fucking car...i get the worst news of my life...and to put it in a nut shell... I'm sick, how sick? I wont know until the 31st of May, hopefully its just stress and a bad diet which can be fixed in a heart beat...but it could be something far worse....im trying to rule out the big Cancer word...its just weird for an 18 year old to have this particular kind of cancer...but even if it isnt cancer, it could be intestinal problems which could result in A.)Surgery, B.) Possible time away from school C.) Drugs for the rest of my life, the possibilities are endless, and but the fact is that the two particular types of diseases are incurable...i'm not really sad anymore...i spent an entire day crying with my dad (which was probably one of the greatest experiences of my life.)

Please...I dont want this to be a cry for pity...thats the last thing I want...I want to face this like an adult, and get healthy...but I want my friends, whom i consider all my family, to know where I am with my life...

This year has been really intense for me....there really are no regrets...just alot of wasted tears....I have become alot of things im not...that is not at all in reference to drinking (Drinking is just a choice I made that I dont really regret)...I feel like I have fallen completely out of touch with honesty, I completely lack the ability to be honest with people, and that is something I used to pride myself on...hopefully I can get back in touch with it...as matter of fact there are some people I really need to have talks with, people I need to stand up to with my feelings...I keep letting myself get backed into a corner where I just crack...and then pretend like everything is ok...

I'm really sick of AIM, and I'm really sick of my phone...cause I use them to escape alot of my real feelings...i put little gay ass away messages up about hating myself and hating others...and I keep pretending like telling somebody something through text messages is a legitimate way of conveying my feelings...
which we all know to be just simply fucking retarded...

I have forgotten about my friends...I kind of left my little brother and my big sister in the dirt...I have been so worried about trying to please people at school...that I dicked over what I have at home...I even dicked over people at school...people who worked really hard to take care of me and watch my back...

I have realized that I get depressed really easily, and to put in other's words...i just need to, "STOP THAT SHIT!!"

I dont want to say I'm sorry for alot of my choices, and a lot of my changes...but i can say that alot of this shit wont happen again...its time for me to grow up...put on my big boy shoes...and fucking just being Justin...

I think what has really made me want to restraighten everything was my dinner with my mentor...ms. Joanna Bunnell...who has really showed me what dedication is...I really took Joanna for granted...but last night at dinner she told me that when she found out i was sick and i had to give up my job...she walked out of an exam, thats right, she walked out of an exam...smoked a cigarette and cried for some time...and that didnt make me feel good...but it made me feel loved...and I told her about my year...and she told me that this just wasnt me...that it was time to just suck it up...let my balls drop and go on...

so with all of that...i tell you that Justin is growing up...yeah i may be 18 but it feels like now is the chance to start over...and so I will...

so how are you? let me know...

just to let you know...i just watched sout park and paris hiltons dog killed itself...